It has been way too long since my last “list” post. To those of you who care, it has not been because I didn’t want to write. Really it came down to being busy as hell and also a bit “uninspired” by a topic to write about. That all changed after my son and I recently went to watch the good (but not great) “Equalizer 2”. As we left the movie, my son asked me a very tough (and nerdy – what can I say, he’s MY son) question: “Who do you think would win in a fight – John Wick or The Equalizer?”. Unlike most rational people, I put a lot of thought and time into questions like these. I struggled to answer him, and we both discussed back and forth for about an hour the ass-kicking merits of each of them. Ultimately, I did decide on a winner (more below) but this discussion inspired me to write this blog. This is my list of the “Top 5 Movie Characters who will kill you (and everyone else in the room)”. To qualify for this list the criteria is two fold. One – the character has to be the main character in the movie. Two – the movie must take place in the relative world of reality as we know it. This means no Jedi or Terminators or Neos. No, these bad ass characters have to operate in a world where the force doesn’t exist (sigh). Alrighty then. With these basic rules out of the way – here is my list (in descending order of kick-assery):
Brian Mills – The “Taken” Movie series. Dude may be middle aged, but this guy can seriously whoop some ass with his “particular set of skills”. We never really get too much exposition into his background but basically he is a secret ops guy who has quasi retired to do security for famous or important people when we first meet him. More lethal with his hands than a gun (though he is definitely good there too), Mills takes out numerous sex traffickers and assorted bad guys with awesome simplicity and efficiency. It was hard for me to put him at 5 on my list, but when thinking about it I had to because the four ahead of him would beat him – and that’s a fact.
John Matrix – “Commando”. Epic one-liners aside (“Remember when I said I would kill you last? I lied”) Matrix is one huge killing machine. After some rogue commandos (financed by a drug lord) kidnap his daughter, Matrix goes on to literally wipe out a small army by himself. Whether using a machette, machine guns or saw blades it is incredibly fun to see Arnold (in one of my favorite roles of his) kick mucho ass, punctuating some kills with great lines. My favorite scene is when he throws a steam pipe through the main baddie and quips “let off some steam, Bennett” (ha!). Arnold has played many ass kickers in his career but none quite as awesome as Matrix.
Robert McCall – “The Equalizer” movies. Like Brian Mills, Robert McCall’s background is only superficially explained. Secret Military ops, sort of special assassin, certified ass kicker. He has gone “off the grid”, first working in a Home Depot and then as a Lyft driver. Of course, shit happens and he is forced to deliver a huge can of whoop ass to those who deserve it. In the first movie it is the Russian mob and in the second movie his old pals from his past. No matter – both get “equalized” and with relative ease, too. What separates McCall and makes him #3 on my list is his “time kill” specialty. He has the innate ability to slow down time in his mind and see what his enemies are going to do long before they do it. This enables him to take out large groups of baddies all by himself and with whatever tool of death happens to be laying around the room he is in too. Denzel, of course, is amazing as McCall and these movies are a lot of fun. I wouldn’t want to mess with this guy, but there are two movie characters I would fear slightly more…..
The Bride – “Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2”. Beatrix Kiddo (as we learn her name is later in the movies) may not be muscle bound like Matrix but she is even more lethal. Trained by both “Bill” and the super awesome Pai Mei and armed with a Hitori Hanzo sword she dispatches the ENTIRETY of the “Crazy 88s” in one of the most incredible scenes like EVER and also kills everyone on her “list” that did her wrong on her wedding day. Whether surviving a coma or being buried alive, she literally cannot be stopped. The combination of assassin skills, martial arts and sword mastery is hard to beat. On top of all these skills, she is mentally as focused as they come. Nothing will stop her from getting her sweet, sweet revenge. To many, she may be number one. But to me, there can be only one, and that person is….
John Wick – “John Wick and John Wick 2”. Baba Yaga. The Boogeyman. Whatever you want to call him, just pray that he doesn’t know who you are. The body count in both John Wick movies it literally too high to count, and rightly so. ANYONE who dares cross him or come for him will end up dead. Doesn’t matter how many trained assassins or hired guns you have, John Wick will kill each and every one. Pulled out of retirement by some Russian mob members who stole his car and killed his dog, he embarks on a mission to literally destroy anyone even remotely associated with this mob. Once completed, he gets pulled in again in the second movie by someone who gives him a “marker” – which by codes of the Intercontinental Hotel force him to kill whoever the marker is for. After completing this job, he proceeds to take out HUNDREDS of assassins around the city who are looking for him for a huge bounty. No problem for John Wick. There’s a reason even the baddest of the bad refer to him as The Boogeyman. As much as love every other character on this list, I cannot comprehend how John Wick doesn’t kill them all. He is that awesome.
Look – there are tons of movie characters who could be on anyone’s list in this category. Some honorable mentions for me include: Lee from “Enter The Dragon”, “Dirty” Harry Callahan, Hit Girl, Leon from “The Professional”, James Bond (of course) and John McClane (badass but also very lucky too – let’s be honest). Who is on your list? Who did I miss? Let me know in the comments and until nest time – there is no spoon.
Mickey & Mallory – Natural Born Killers, no honorable mention for Jason Bourne or Ethan Hunt?